Well... all things come full circle and Crisis comes again. Mother has entered God Mode. Although she said she'd help, she won't be of right mind to do so. I'm going to help, but I have to take care of myself. I hate this... I truly do. The hardest thing in my life... losing her... dealing with it... having to put up with everything. Now I have to go through it again. And she's talking of adoption. I can't let a child enter into that. Maybe... maybe if it had happened earlier. But not now. If they could stand on they're own two feet, maybe. I won't allow a little one to be put through living with her insanity. The path is laid out, and I'm running full blast down it. Time for some "fun".

Silly me... my new number... 913-499-7655. (Corrected the typo... I'm still used to "299-etc.")

Let's see... short quick list of things bugging me about my own life...

-Being in Love but not being able to follow through with it because of how I feel for others.
-Being worried about one I deeply Love because she's going through something that I've gone through. Subsequently, being unsure of how to act... give the person the benefit of the doubt and still being careful, or just burst out with it.
-Growing up. Not so bad, but being unable to do all that I NEED to do immediately.
-Not seeing my friends. I go insane when left by myself.
-Mother.
-Having the Zenith Cross shatter in my mind. I'm nervous as to what that portends
-Having a new... base form. I'm nervous as to what it portends.

More than anything...
I hate already knowing what
I have to do... just not having the
faith and strength to follow through.

Reposting the rules. Thought of some new ones.

Rules:

1. I don't care who you are... respect this site. I know some of you may not like one another for whatever reason... I don't care. No slamming so-and-so because they did this or that, or because the problem directly concerns you. Tell your problems to ME, and I'll help as best I can. I reserve the ability to block anyone from this site.

2. I trust everyone. I don't want this to be a place used for digging up dirt and gossip. I'm making this so all of you can freely vent to me (and it's one easy place I can check this sort of thing). If possible, I'd like for everyone who uses this site to be able to help everyone else who makes use of it as well. In a way... this is a place to bring my multiple sides together.

3. If you choose to help, do just that: Help. I know we all have our opinions on right, wrong, good, bad, acceptable and not, but if you choose to give your two cents, make sure not to be offensive. I have enough problems in my intrapersonal relationships without adding bickering from different mindsets/outlooks. Remember this, regardless of what you think you know or how deeply you think you do, there is something that I hold true that you do not agree with.

4. Since I won't do what I normally do and give some people the password to this site to use at their leisure I'll be editing things... let me explain. Feel free to comment on any entry with whatever problem you may have. I'll repost the comment as a new entry and be sure that it is anonymous. I do not yet know what I will do regarding names of involved parties, but I will makes sure the the person who writes it is left unknown unless they wish to be known. Hopefully this makes it more comfortable for you all to vent. I however will always leave my name.

5. Since I couldn't figure out how to allow you all to comment me privately (which is what I wanted to do... an e-mail may suffice this I'm not sure) just... don't cause any unneccasary... mental anguish.

6. Let yourself go, spew your rage, and I hope a peaceful solution can be found.

I had another rule... can't remember it right now.

My number. Call anytime: (913) 766-3624

I suppose my first actual entry on this site... my first crisis... or at least dilemma. I'm not expecting help, just a listening ear.

I'm tired of being alone. Since I was young I've been that way. Mother taught me to be self-reliant, I strove to be independent. And now I am extremely so. I can't really draw close to people on a one on one basis, so I draw close to everyone. This has created a huge problem. I can't love people without feeling like I've hurt everyone else. But right now... just for now, I want someone to call my own. A girlfriend... or perhaps something more down the line. I just can't bring myself to follow through. Right now there are two people that I find to be the most... worthwhile. I'd have to wait for either of them, but it would be well worth it. Since they both will read this and they both know they would be one of them I'm not going to mention any names. I just don't know what to do. As always persuing one will be a detriment to the other. But... I just need someone... just for a little while. Some to hold me. Every so often I get exhausted being strong, at least relatively so. Sometimes I just want to be weak. I want to be able to break down and let someone hold me. I'm just sick of being alone with my thoughts... of isolating myself. I dream of being able to bond with someone. I wonder how I'll solve this.

~Jasper

I'll be reposting and revising the rules soon. Thanks all. Feel free to comment.